


unspoken

by regionals



Series: The Basement [4]
Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, Multi, Trans Male Character, the end of this fic opens up for another fic about jenshler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 14:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16662571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: Brendon has a ton of friends, and at this point, Tyler isn't at all phased by all the people that are in and out of the basement. His expression grows sour when Brendon's new friend says, "Bro, I didn't know you had a sister."He glares at the stranger, and continues glaring even when Brendon says, "That's my little brother. He's trans, and if you have an issue with it, you can get the fuck out of my basement."





	unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> took a break from my omegaverse fic for this :v: :pensive:  
> this fic went from me venting about my eating disorder to,,, whatever it turned into  
> anyways heres some more elaboration on the basement, enjoy it

Tyler's thirteen when he gets kicked out.

Well, maybe 'kicked out' is too strong of a phrase.

He's thirteen when his home life becomes so unbearable that he packs up a backpack and walks out. His mom doesn't care enough to stop him.

*

Tyler goes between a few couches for a few months before anyone comes up with an option that's more stable, more _permanent._

Mark knows a guy that's a few years older than any of them who has laid back, empathetic parents, and an extra bedroom in the basement.

This is how Tyler meets Brendon. Brendon's sixteen when they meet, and he has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He has a few tattoos on his hands that Tyler can see, and he's intimidating as shit, but the first thing out of his mouth is, "What are you pronouns, bro?"

Tyler feels like the physical embodiment of the _":D"_ emoticon as the words, "He and him," are spilling from his lips.

"Sick." Brendon doesn't look phased, and he doesn't seem to mind.

*

 _"There's nothing artistic about this,"_ Tyler thinks as he's using the handle of his toothbrush to make himself throw up.

 _"This isn't artistic,"_ he thinks as he sits on the floor, leaning against the counter, crying. He's never felt such burning agony more than he has in this moment, never felt so much hatred towards himself and his body.

He vocalizes his thoughts half an hour later when he's settling into Brendon's bed under the heaviest duvet his friend could find, with a bottle of water and a sleeve of saltine crackers to munch on. "I don't get why people act like eating disorders are supposed to be artistic, or pretty. Like, I don't know about you, but the fact that I have to make myself throw up to feel good about myself is disgusting." He nibbles on the corner of a cracker. "Sorry if I sound stupid or angsty."

"You're fourteen, you're technically homeless, and you have an eating disorder, dude. Also, your mom _sucks,_ and you're trans, so you have every right to be angsty. I mean, _shit,_ I'm sure I'd be angsty if my mom kicked me out and I developed an eating disorder." Brendon shrugs, and continues folding his laundry. "I'm already angsty, and I have a pretty nice life."

"Yeah, but, like... I dunno. I just feel bad. I feel like I'm being ungrateful. Like, your parents _attempt_ to feed me and they let me sleep here and they don't complain, and you're even cool enough to share your bed with me most nights, so I feel like I shouldn't be so sad all the fucking time, but I am."

"If being fed and having a bed to sleep in meant I wouldn't be depressed, then, man, I'd be the happiest motherfucker in the world. Just a life lesson, bro--mental illnesses don't cherry pick. If you have one, then you have one. Sure, social and economic statuses along with sexual orientation and gender identity do have an impact on it as well, but... Still. No one in this household blames you for struggling with that shit. My only request is that if you're in a bad spot, please tell me, man."

"Of course I'll tell you. Who else is going to get me water and a sleeve of saltines, plus a comfy blanket to sleep under?" Tyler sniffs and smiles a little sadly. "I hope I get my shit figured out some day."

"You will. I don't know soon, because, I mean, I'm eighteen and still a huge dumb ass, but I'm definitely more put together than I was when I was your age."

*

Tyler's fifteen when he meets Josh.

He's standing in the bathroom in the basement brushing his teeth and mentally waxing poetic about his weird relationship with toothbrushes when Brendon walks past the door with someone following him. The _someone_ stops as soon as he sees Tyler, and Tyler just slowly continues brushing his teeth as he stares the stranger down.

Brendon has a ton of friends, and at this point, Tyler isn't at all phased by all the people that are in and out of the basement. His expression grows sour when Brendon's new friend says, "Bro, I didn't know you had a sister."

He _glares_ at the stranger, and continues glaring even when Brendon says, "That's my little _brother._ He's trans, and if you have an issue with it, you can get the fuck out of my basement."

The stranger shakes his head quickly, and apologizes to Tyler. "I'm so sorry, man. My bad." He takes one step into the bathroom, and Tyler gives him a dirty look, but the guy just sticks his hand out towards him. "I'm Josh, and I promise I'm not a dick. I am _so_ sorry about misgendering you."

Tyler takes his tooth brush out of his mouth, and once he's at least partially sure he's not going to dribble toothpaste, he says, "My name's Tyler."

They shake hands.

Brendon doesn't let them talk any more than that, though, because he's grabbing Josh by the back of his jacket, and tugging him out of the bathroom. "I'd love for you two to get to know each other, but Josh and I have shit to do. Mainly purchasing weed. Um. There's twenty bucks on my dresser, and it's for you. Buy food, buy drugs, I don't care. We gotta go."

*

Tyler's on the floor in front of the couch taking his work shoes off a few weeks after meeting Josh when the two of them meet again. It's ten at night and Josh is there for some reason or another--Tyler assumes he's there to hang out with Brendon, since that seems like the logical choice. He isn't amused when the boy is stepping over to him, apologizing again. "Hey, um, I still feel really bad about misgendering you, man. I didn't know, and I'm sure I'm being the most annoying person apologizing _again,_ but--"

"--drop it," Tyler interrupts him. "You fucked up. It's okay to admit it. It was the first time we met, so... Whatever. No one expects you to know when someone's trans or not. I know you mean well, but apologizing over and over for misgendering me is going to make me dislike you more than if you would've apologized once and moved on. Also, hand me that sweatshirt." Tyler points at one of Brendon's sweatshirts that's draped over the back of the couch. He's cold, and it's not unusual for him to steal clothes from his friend.

"It's, like, September," Josh mumbles as he's handing him the sweatshirt. "Why are you cold?"

Tyler answers him bluntly once he has the sweatshirt on. "Because I'm underweight, and probably also because I haven't eaten since yesterday."

An idea seems to pop into Josh's head, and Tyler can tell. "You know what? We started off on an awkward foot. Why don't you let me take you somewhere to get something to eat?"

"Like, a date?" Tyler sounds about as unimpressed as he looks.

"Are you gay?"

"What do you mean by gay?"

"I mean, do you like guys?"

Tyler shrugs. "I think so. I dunno. I've never really done anything romantic with anyone. I don't think I'm _gay,_ but guys are alright."

"Cool, then. If you want it to be a date, then sure. I'm mostly gay."

"Before we leave, or do anything, how old are you? You're not, like, twenty seven?"

Josh snorts and shakes his head. "No, no. I turned sixteen a few months ago. C'mon. Let me feed you."

*

"Josh isn't as much of an asshole as I thought he was," Tyler mumbles, as if to make conversation, while Brendon helps him out of chest binder. (Tyler can usually get it off on his own, but he still struggles sometimes, and Brendon's always been cool about helping him get it off.)

"He's pretty chill. I heard you went on a date with him." Brendon waits until Tyler has a t-shirt on to make eye contact with him so he can waggle his eyebrows.

"If you could call it that. We sat in his car and ate McDonalds. We did talk, though. He's... Well, he's chill. He's nice, too. I don't want to be his boyfriend or anything, but I wouldn't mind being friends with him. Also--he's my age. How do you even know him?"

"Your buddy Mark knows him, and he wanted to buy weed, so Mark sent him to me. It's a pretty solid friendship."

Tyler rolls his eyes, and calls Brendon a drug addict under his breath.

Brendon nudges him before rolling his eyes, and stepping past him to exit the room.

*

Tyler's on his back on the shag rug that's on the floor in front of the couch in the basement, spread out like a starfish, staring up at the ceiling and crying a little bit because he's in a shit mood and work was awful. Brendon isn't home, because he has a new _boyfriend_ , and has been spending his evenings with his mystery guy. (Tyler hasn't met him yet, but he's heard good things about him.)

He's surprised to hear footsteps coming down the stairs. He knows it's not Brendon's mom, because she doesn't run nor does she stomp down the stairs, and Brendon's dad rarely enters the basement in the first place unless he needs to ask Brendon something, so when the footsteps are approaching the living area, Tyler lifts his head up.

He doesn't have his contacts in or glasses on, but he can make out Josh's canvas jacket and his torn up skinny jeans, and he knows Josh has that stupid deer in the headlights look on his face. He doesn't turn around and leave, though. Instead, he asks Tyler if he's alright.

"No, I'm not," Tyler grumbles. He lets his head drop back down onto the rug, and takes a deep, shaky breath.

Tyler's expecting him to leave at that, but he doesn't. He winds up on the floor next to Tyler, not touching him, but staring up at the ceiling with him. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I woke up feeling dysphoric and weird, made myself throw up because I relapsed with my eating disorder awhile back and god forbid I make good decisions and try helping myself, and on top of that, _work_ fucking sucked."

"Don't you have school or something...?"

Tyler rolls his eyes, and shakes his head. "No. I quit going, and did a GED program. Brendon's mom told me I either had to go to school or do a GED program if I wanted to stay here, so I did the latter, because school fucking sucks."

"Oh." Josh adjusts himself, as if he shrugged. "I'm sorry about the eating disorder stuff. I don't, um, have one, so I don't--I don't know how to help, but if I knew how, I'd try."

"Brendon just makes me eat, and makes sure I don't throw up," Tyler mumbles. "I'm so conceited. I'm so obsessed with trying to come off as masculine that I apparently would rather starve myself and put myself in danger rather than build muscle or something."

"I don't think you're conceited. It's a little irrational, I think, but I kind of get it. I, uh, have another trans friend, and she explained that, like... Well... She says that her eating disorder ties into her dysphoria?"

"Is she a trans girl or guy?"

"Girl? I think? Doctors told her she was a boy when she was born, but she doesn't identify as that."

"Go on." Tyler sniffs, and wipes his eyes off. He doesn't look at Josh.

"She kind of... The way she explained it is that in her head, if she doesn't eat and if she gets thin enough, she'll look more feminine."

"That's me, but with being masculine. It's unhealthy as fuck."

"Have you eaten today?"

"Had a granola bar this morning that I threw up, otherwise, not really. I've had water and an energy drink, though."

"You wanna go get something to eat, then? You don't gotta eat a lot, but a little bit is better than nothing."

"Why do you even care?" Tyler looks at him now. He knows he looks confused.

Josh glances at him, and shrugs as best as he can. "I just do. I've only known you for, like, two months, but I think you're pretty cool, and when I make friends, I like to take care of them. It's how I am."

"I'll let you feed me if you take me to Taco Bell."

"It's a date, bro."

Tyler smiles a little stupidly.

*

Tyler's sixteenth birthday isn't overly eventful.

He calls in sick from work, Josh comes over, and so does Brendon's boyfriend. (Brendon's boyfriend is super nice and if the dude wasn't twenty, Tyler would absolutely be trying to hit on him.)

The four of them settle onto the sectional in the basement, and watch one of Tyler's favorite movies-- _Donnie Darko._ Tyler wraps up in Brendon's duvet, with his knees pulled to his chest and his eyes glued to the screen, at least until he feels a weight pressing against him. He looks down and to his left to see that Josh is leaning on him, and that his eyes look a little watery.

Tyler doesn't say anything, since he doesn't want to embarrass him, but he does open up the duvet, and lift his arm up, motioning Josh closer. Tyler winds up on his back, with Josh lying on top of him, curled into a fetal position with his head high on the younger boy's chest, sniffling quietly. Tyler holds onto him, and keeps the duvet wrapped tight around them.

*

Tyler brings it up later when Brendon leaves to take Dallon home. (Josh is spending the night, and Tyler figures he's there to hang out, since he doesn't specify the reason.)

Josh is sitting on the patio with a cigarette between his fingers, and Tyler's pretty sure it's one he swiped from the pack Brendon keeps taped to the underside of the patio table. He's smoking and shivering and jiggling his legs and he still looks like he's about to cry so as Tyler's settling onto the porch swing next to him, he asks, "Are you okay, man? I would've, um, asked earlier, but I didn't want to embarrass you or something."

"Parents kicked me out for the night, and my body keeps going between nearly having an anxiety attack, and dissociating. Either I cry and wind up with a migraine since I'm an ugly crier, or spend a few days in purgatory, y'know?"

"Do you, um... need any help with grounding...? You pretty much force me to eat every time we see each other, so maybe I can help ground you or something." Tyler wraps an arm around Josh's.

"It's gonna sound stupid, but if you'd be down to, like, share a bed with me or something, that'd honestly help a lot."

Tyler shakes his head. "It's not stupid. Do you know how many times I've woken Brendon up and ungodly hours of the night to sleep in his bed with him after I've had anxiety attacks? I'm absolutely not gonna judge you for that, man."

"Yeah, but Brendon's your brother," Josh mutters as he flicks ashes onto the cement.

"We're not actually related. I pretty much got kicked out when I was thirteen, and he kinda just took me under his wing like he would a younger sibling. He absolutely had no reason to, but he felt bad, I guess."

"I don't know him as well as you do, but he seems very caring."

"He is. Anyways, man. It's cool if you wanna share a bed. I always sleep better with someone else anyways."

*

Josh does wind up having that anxiety attack. He's sitting on the edge of Tyler's bed, wearing only a pair of shorts, with his face in his hands. Tyler's behind him with his arms wrapped around the older boy's torso. His cheek is pressed into Josh's shoulder blade, and for the first time in awhile he doesn't care about his breasts, or the fact that they're pressed against Josh's back. (Tyler's only wearing a sports bra, boxers, and a pair of mismatched socks.)

"I've got you, man." Tyler holds Josh a little tighter, and presses a tiny kiss to his shoulder blade before going back to resting his cheek against it. "You'll be okay."

"All of this over the tiniest little nugget of _weed."_

Tyler huffs a little bitterly. "They overreacted, and making you leave for the night wasn't the right choice. That's on them. Not you. It was an inappropriate reaction on their part."

"What if they don't let me go back? _Fuck--"_

"Hey, hey, stop that." Tyler sits up, and uses one of his hands to tug on Josh's hair before returning it to its spot. "Brendon will drive you home in the morning, and things will work out. Even if they don't we can figure it out. This isn't the end of the world. Worst case scenario, I get a new roommate. Best case scenario, you get rich, and pay for my HRT."

That draws a laugh out of Josh. It's shaky and weak and winds up turning into a fit of sobs, but it's still a laugh. Brendon steps in pretty shortly after that, probably to ask Tyler something, but as soon as his eyes land on Josh, he's sighing and his demeanor deflates a little bit.

Tyler can see it in his face that he's about to ask Josh what's wrong, so instead of letting him do that, Tyler interrupts him. "Hey, B? Do you think you could get him a bottle of water and, like, strawberries, or something? You like strawberries, right Josh?"

Josh nods and turns his face away from Brendon.

"Yeah, absolutely, man."

Brendon leaves, and he's back within a few minutes with a bottle of water and a bowl of strawberries with the stems cut off.

Tyler shoos him out of the room once the bowl and the water are both on the nightstand next to the bed. They wind up sitting across from each other, and Tyler keeps his hands within reach of Josh's, since Josh keeps reaching for them once in awhile whenever he feels himself starting to get panicky again. He drinks the water, and eats, though, and once he's feeling calm enough to sleep, Tyler spoons him and holds onto him.

*

New Year's Eve is always an _ordeal_ in the basement, and from what Tyler's seen, it just gets worse and worse every year.

This year is not an exception.

Brendon's parents are out of the house that night, so naturally, Brendon decides to throw a _party._ It's not a huge party, but he invites over a ton of people, including Josh, and it's loud and neither Tyler nor Josh are having a great time. Tyler's on his phone on the couch, reading something, and Josh is leaning on him, head on his shoulder.

They remain there for a few hours, occasionally exchanging a few words, until eleven, which is when Josh starts flinching and whining just loud enough that Tyler can hear him every time someone makes a loud noise. (Brendon's friends are noisy.) When Josh's hands are flying up to his ears to cover them, Tyler turns his phone screen off, slips the phone into his sweatshirt pocket, and grabs onto Josh's arm as he stands up, mumbling, "C'mon."

He ignores the crude comments and jokes some of Brendon's stupid friends make, asking them if they're going to do something inappropriate to ring in the new year, as he's leading Josh out of the main area of the basement, and towards his bedroom.

Tyler closes and locks the door behind them, and by the time he's turned back around, Josh is sitting on the floor against the wall, knees bend with his head in his hands. The first thing out of his mouth as Tyler's kneeling onto the ground in front of him is, "I'm so sorry. I keep ruining things with my stupid an-anxiety." His breath hitches and his chin wobbles a bit and Tyler reaches for his wrists, gently pulling the older boy's hands from his face.

"Josh, you're not ruining anything. I've had anxiety attacks from Forehead playing his music too loud before, man. It happens, alright?" Tyler keeps his tone soft and his hand gentle on Josh's cheek. "Do you want me to, like, hold you...? It helped the last time I was with you, so... I dunno." Tyler's frowning a little bit, too. He's concerned.

Josh doesn't say anything, not verbally, but he changes his position a bit to where his legs are crossed, feet tucked under either of his legs, and he holds his arms open. It's a little awkward, since Tyler's about an inch taller than him, but the younger boy doesn't hesitate before crawling into Josh's lap, straddling his legs.

Josh winds up with the side of his face pressed against Tyler's chest, his arms around the boy's torso, and Tyler with one arm wrapped around Josh's shoulders, and the other held up a little bit, so he can run his fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry if my anxiety is making our friendship weird," Josh says eventually. "I usually handle it on my own."

"It's cool, man. If I ever have an anxiety attack around you, then you can return the favor, but otherwise don't worry about it. I'm down to hug you and shit if you need it."

*

"Josh has a crush on me, and I do not fucking know what to do about it," is what Tyler blurts when Brendon picks him up from work a few weeks before Valentine's.

"Not gonna lie," he starts as Tyler's buckling his seat belt, and he's pulling out of his parking space, "I kind of thought the two of you were already together...?"

Tyler shakes his head. "No. We're _friends_ and we have hardly any boundaries, but we're not together. We've been on a few dates, but it felt like hanging out, _but,_ he sent me a text around the time I went on my break and asked if I wanted to go on an actual date with him, because he's apparently super into me, and, I mean, I'm into him too--"

"Okay--why are you panicking? The two of you like each other, so, like, go be boyfriends. What's the deal?"

"Look, man, I'm not a man-whore like you are. I kissed Josh _once_ in January, and that's basically all the action I've gotten. Ever."

"And he asked you out on a date. He didn't ask you to marry him or to hop into a committed relationship or anything like that. I think you should go on the date, see how it goes, and if you have a good time... Then, well, go on another date, or figure it out."

*

Josh's idea of a first date is to take Tyler rollerblading, and Tyler's pretty sure Josh made that choice deliberately, because for the two hour session that they paid for, Tyler spends at least two thirds of it hanging on to Josh for dear life, and Josh acts almost _smug_ about it. The only times he's not hanging onto Josh for dear life, he's gripping his hand like a lifeline, trying to balance and to not fall over, and also for the ten minutes they spend in the food court before Josh drives Tyler home, eating and sharing a bottle of water.

Josh doesn't spend the night that night, even if Tyler asks him to numerous times. (Tyler likes cuddling with him, and, _oh god,_ it hits him that maybe they _are_ more than friends.) "Why can't you spend the night?"

"Because, I have school tomorrow. Also, like... I can't kiss you on the doorstep and be all romantic if I spend the night. I mean, I could, but it loses its effect if I just go inside with you."

Tyler pouts, but Josh reaches a hand up to lightly pinch his cheek.

"Don't pout. Do you want a goodbye kiss or not?"

"I do, I do." Tyler rolls his eyes. "Gimme a kiss, Joshie."

Josh grins and lets out a small giggle at the nickname, before leaning forward, and lightly pressing his lips to Tyler's.

*

"How was the date?"

Tyler feels his will to live slipping through the cracks in his exterior when he walks into the room he's claimed for himself, only to see the top of Brendon's head poking up from the other side of the bed. Of course he's in here waiting for Tyler. Of course. "It was fine." He keeps his answer vague, and tells Brendon to shut his eyes while he's taking his chest binder off. (He doesn't need any help with it this time.)

Brendon responds while he waits for Tyler to tell him he can open his eyes again. "Just fine? You two didn't get up to anything?"

"No, because unlike you, I don't fuck on the first date," Tyler mutters. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess, but all we did was kiss on the front step before he left to go home."

*

Tyler thinks that he needs to learn to expect the unexpected when it comes to Josh.

He expected that making out with him and getting up to some teenager hijinks that never quite escalate all the way to full on sex to involve Josh being all large and in charge about it, and he was honestly okay with the idea.

He was not expecting for Josh to let slip a quiet little, _"Daddy,"_ against his mouth the second his hand came into contact with the older boys ass, or for Josh to be in his lap and in a position to where Tyler could grab his ass in the first place.

Tyler uses his hand that isn't on Josh's ass to nudge him back a little, and to look him in the eyes to ask, "Did you just... Call me _daddy?"_

Josh looks embarrassed, but he nods slowly, and his body goes rigid on top of Tyler's.

Tyler's a little dumbfounded. He vaguely knows about the whole _daddy_ thing, thanks to Brendon running his mouth and never knowing when to shut up. He just was _not_ expecting for Josh to, one, be into it, and two, to want to call _him_ that.

"Um... it was an accident," he tries explaining.

Tyler can tell he's about to backtrack, but he's not going to let that happen. He figures that at worst, the situation can end up uncomfortable and they can talk about it, but at best, it can be something they're both into, so he reaches up, caresses Josh's cheek, then slides his hand back down his face to hold his chin between his thumb and index finger to lead him into a kiss. "I think I'm into it."

"It's weird--"

"--shh." Tyler kisses him again, and for a moment he worries he's getting too ahead of himself as he uses his hands to tug Josh a little further into his lap, but Josh doesn't seem to care. "I don't think it's weird. In fact... I think it's flattering, and incredibly validating, that you think I'm masculine enough to call 'daddy.'"

*

"How are things going with Josh?" Brendon's cleaning up the aftermath of a drunken mess he'd made, and Tyler's watching him and not helping, because he's a dick like that.

Brendon's tone is nice and inconspicuous and Tyler doesn't quite trust him, but he speaks anyways; "They're fine, I guess. He has a daddy kink, _and_ if you tell anyone, I won't hesitate to make your life a living hell." Tyler _does_ trust him to keep secrets, but he's sure to specify.

Brendon bursts out laughing, and once he's recovered, he asks "He _what?"_

"You're not deaf."

"How'd you find out?"

"I dunno. We were making out and it slipped."

"So... You called him 'daddy' and he popped a hard on?"

"More like the opposite, actually. I copped a feel of his ass, he called _me_ that, and... I'm kind of into it, man. It's actually kind of hot, and he likes it, so, I mean..." Tyler shrugs, and picks at a hangnail. "I didn't think I was nearly masculine or manly enough for _anyone_ to want to call me that. I don't even think I'm _dominant_ enough for that either."

"Josh always struck me as a top, but... Damn. That's actually kind of cute."

"Of course you think it's cute," Tyler mutters before rolling his eyes. "Like I said, I'm kind of into it. It was hot, if I can be real with you. It’s just, like… Something about someone who seems so… buff, and beefy and, y’know, a _man_ acting so submissive is like… It’s hot. I don’t know how else to describe it. My boyfriend is hot and I’m man enough to admit it.”

*

“So, um...” Tyler scratches at his ankle, and chews on the inside of his cheek a little bit. He’s sitting in the passenger’s seat of Josh’s car, and they’re in a parking lot at a fast food restaurant, on a sort of half date. It’s a date for sure, but it’s not a serious one. “Stop me if this isn’t the time for it, or if I’m making you uncomfortable, but can I ask what the whole deal was with calling me ‘daddy’...?” Tyler picks off a small piece of a french fry, and contemplates eating it while he listens to Josh answer him.

"I didn't mean to say it."

"Well, yeah, I got that much, but it caught me off guard. I really didn't think I was masculine _or_ dominant enough or whatever else for anyone to even think of calling me that. I mean, thank you, because it was validating as fuck, and kind of hot, honestly, but y'know."

"It's... Uh. I dunno. Sometimes when I'm, uh, turned on, or however you want to put it, _or_ getting off on my own time or whatever, I kind of, um, say that...? Quietly, of course, because I live with my family, and I haven't--I haven't done anything with _anyone._ My first kiss was with you. It seriously just slipped and was an accident. Also, um, I talk a lot when I'm nervous, or whatever. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, man. It's cool. I'm trying to tell you that I'm into it. It's hot, it's cute, it's _fine._ Honestly, man, I was expecting you to be all... I dunno. I thought you were a top, basically."

"I mean, topping and being submissive aren't mutually exclusive, kind of how bottoming and being dominant aren't mutually exclusive either."

"Point is, I wasn't expecting you to be sitting in my lap and calling me daddy. Also, uh, are you spending the night?"

"It's Friday, so... Probably, yeah."

"Sick."

*

While Josh is taking a shower, Tyler awkwardly seeks Brendon out. He's sitting at the head of his bed, with Dallon sleeping on him, head in his lap, and his eyes are tiredly watching a muted episode of something on his phone. Tyler keeps his voice quiet as he asks, "Is he a heavy sleeper, or...?"

Brendon's eyes widen and he shakes his head, just before Dallon's grumbling, "No, I'm not," as his eyebrows furrow, and he rolls over, face towards Brendon's stomach. "You guys are fucking loud."

Brendon rolls his eyes, and pats his boyfriend's cheek. "Don't be a dick. What do you need, Ty-dye?"

"Uh... I have a question about, uh... Sex. I guess."

"You're not fucking Josh tonight, are you?"

Tyler shakes his head. "Ew, no. Not with you and your parents here."

"What about me?" Dallon turns his head and opens his eyes a little bit to look at Tyler.

"You can stay, because you're nice to me. You also seem like the type to be into watching people fuck."

Dallon snorts, and shakes his head a little bit with a smile on his face before turning his head back and closing his eyes again.

"Fair. What's your question then?"

"I was mostly just wondering if you have any lube...?" Tyler scratches one of his cheeks. "I don't have any, and I kinda wanna like..." He does the motion for handjob, and Brendon makes an 'o' shape with his mouth.

*

Tyler goes back into his room with two packets of lube and a condom. _("Just in case.")_

He winds up just sticking them in his sports bra, after being unable to find a spot to set them that wasn't either weird or too obvious.

Tyler only gets about half way through opening Google on his phone before Josh is walking into the room, half dry and wearing an oversized t-shirt that belongs to Tyler. On him, it fits like a regular t-shirt, and Tyler dryly comments, "If I ever feel fat, I should just think back to this moment."

"Here's my obligatory reminder that you need to eat more," Josh mumbles before bending over to dig his phone out of his jacket, which is on the floor near the bed.

"I've put on five pounds since I met you, _so,_ apparently I _have_ been eating more. I mean, I'm still underweight, but..."

"It's something." Josh sits on the bed once he has his phone in his hands, and Tyler reaches over to take it from him so he can plug it in for him. "I, for one, am very proud of you for gaining five pounds."

"At least someone is."

Josh leans back, turning a little towards Tyler, to stick his tongue out at him a bit.

Tyler feels something warm bubbling up in his chest as he smiles, and leans forward, with both hands on either side of Josh's head, to bend down and kiss him. "You're very sweet, Joshua."

Josh grins, nice and wide, and kisses Tyler back for a few seconds before he's actually getting into the bed. He sits up against the headboard, and Tyler manages to maintain his cool for about twenty seven seconds before quietly saying, "Hey, man, I'm sorry if I'm jumping the gun here, but, uh... Do you maybe wanna make out again and do that thing where you called me that one name...? It's just... I really liked that, more than I thought I did, and I--I want to like... Explore that."

Josh looks surprised, and Tyler bites the inside of his cheek harder than he usually does as he waits for an answer. "I mean... Yeah, I'm okay with that. Last time, though... It slipped out. I don't--I dunno if I'll do it again...?"

"Just do it on purpose," Tyler reasons with him.

"Ty, it's not that easy," Josh whines, lips jutting out a bit in a pout.

Tyler reaches over and taps Josh on the face with two of his fingers. "Don't pout at me, Joshie." After that, he reaches over, places a hand under Josh's knee, and squeezes it before tugging him into his lap. (Tyler isn't strong enough to actually do that, but Josh gets the hint and goes with it.)

"I don't know if I can just _do_ that."

"Even if I tell you that I'm into it, and that I think it's cute and sweet and hot and all of that...?" Tyler quirks an eyebrow at Josh as his hands are settling onto his hips. He doesn't know where he's getting his confidence from right now, but he's not complaining about it.

"Probably, yeah." Josh bits his lip, and looks down at his hands, which are held in front of him, wringing together. "I just feel like it's weird, man. Also, um... I don't--I don't know what to do with my hands."

"You can touch me, bro. I'm not gonna break."

"I don't want to accidentally cop a feel or whatever and upset you," Josh admits, his eyes going _up_ to look at the ceiling. His cheeks are red and Tyler thinks it's adorable.

Tyler rolls his eyes, and gently takes one of Josh's wrists in his hand. He tugs on it and moves it until Josh's had is hovering over one of his breasts. "Josh, would you be interested in touching a boob, and getting over that fear of accidentally touching one of them...? Like, man, I honestly don't care if you touch them, unless I specifically ask you not to."

"Only if you're okay with it." Josh looks into Tyler's eyes, and his fingers twitch a little bit.

"I'm okay with it," Tyler assures him. He tugs Josh's hand towards himself, until the boy's hand is resting over his breast.

Josh doesn't say anything at first, and as his fingers are flexing a little bit, gently squeezing, he makes an observation; "It's... soft. Very soft."

Tyler takes the hand that was around Josh's wrist, and reaches up to place his hand on the side of Josh's face. Josh leans into it, kind of like a cat, and after Tyler leads him into a kiss, a soft, sweet kiss, he says, "You're a very sweet boy."

Josh's hand moves from Tyler's breast to his ribcage. "Thank you, Tyler."

"Nuh-uh." Tyler pats his cheek. "You know what to call me, and 'Tyler' isn't it."

Josh sighs, and Tyler can basically see his resolve crumbling. There's something tender in the way Josh quietly mumbles, "Thank you, Daddy," that makes Tyler smile as he brushes his thumb across the boy's cheekbone.

*

Tyler gives Josh a hand job. It's slow and it's a little awkward at first, and Josh has to instruct Tyler on how to do it, at first, but once Tyler gets the hang of it, Josh is reduced to a whimpering, mumbling mess, face pressed into Tyler's shoulder.

Josh doesn't take too awful long to come. When he does, Tyler just strokes him through it, telling him that he's a good boy and that he's perfect, and his only comment on the whole ordeal is, "Huh... Cum is a lot more liquidy than I thought it was," when it winds up pooling up in his belly button.

Josh mumbles an apology, but Tyler shushes him before grabbing a few tissues from the box kept next to the bed, and wiping himself off as Josh tucks himself back into his boxers.

"I'm sorry if I seem, uh, forceful, or whatever, and you can absolutely say no, but, uh... Can I, like... get you off?"

Tyler's setting the tissues onto the side table as he answers. "I'm not against the idea, but, uh... I don't have a dick."

"I know. I'm okay with that. I love you and your body."

"You like men. I don't--I don't have the right parts."

"Men and male aligned people, for the most part. You're a man. Also, I mean... I've seen you without a shirt, and without a bra a few times before, and you're still my boyfriend, so...?" Josh shrugs. "I want to make you feel good. It doesn't matter what you have going on down there."

"This isn't some excuse to try getting into my pants is it?"

"No. Or... Technically, because I dunno. I mean, I want to get you off, but, uh... Maybe lets save the virginity losing for a different night, yeah...?" Josh offers him a small smile after that. "And... To be fair, I've spent the past fifteen minutes or so calling you 'Daddy.'"

"I don't want to take my underwear off, but... If you can work with that... Well, that's--that's what I'm comfortable with."

Once they start kissing again, and once Josh has covered either of his fingers in a little bit of lube, and has his hand between Tyler's legs, Tyler has a hard time believing it's the first time he's done this. He's not perfect at it, and there's a few times Tyler has to grab his hand and adjust it, or adjust his own hips, but all in all, it's a fairly pleasant experience.

After he's _finished,_ Tyler turns the lamp next to the bed off, and either of them curl up in each other's arms under the covers.

*

"I always read these stories about these trans guys being all dysphoric when they do anything sexual, but, like... I dunno. I mean, I didn't get naked or anything when me and Josh messed around, but I wasn't dysphoric...? Like it was fun, and I trust him and shit, so... I dunno." Tyler's standing next to Brendon's car, smoking a cigarette with him while they wait for Dallon to hurry up, since the three of them are going out for dinner, then a movie. (Tyler's bored and lonely and doesn't care if he has to third wheel on their date.)

"I'm not at all trans, so stop me if I say something offensive, but with the way you and every trans person I talk to talks... Y'all act like you have to hate yourself to be trans. Like... Isn't that just sad? Wouldn't that be sad all the time? I don't see why you need to be uncomfortable doing sexual stuff with your boyfriend. I'd understand why if you were, but I don't see why it's necessary."

"It's not necessary, and I mean... I get dysphoric a lot, and I'd be lying if I said I completely love my body, but I'm, like... I'm _okay_ with my body, if you get me. I'm trying to learn to love it, because my eating disorder was out of control for awhile there, and if that--if that means I'm not like _weird_ about fucking around with my boyfriend, then fine. Whatever. I just feel like I'm not _valid."_

"You're totally valid, bro. If you wanna go get dick, and you feel good about it, then do it. How's Josh with the trans thing anyways?"

"Honestly, he's fuckin' great. I'll leave it at that."

*

Josh invites Tyler over to his house during spring break, explaining that his parents and his siblings are out of the house, and that _he_ had to stay home because of a lousy grade and a few other technicalities, which meant they'd have some _alone time._

Tyler's pretty sure that they're going to do a little more than hang out, or more than what they usually do together when they're alone, which is why in his overnight bag, he packs a box of condoms and a bottle of lube.

He's right, of course.

Tyler's been there for maybe an hour and they're about ten minutes into a movie when Josh's hand starts sliding up his thigh. Josh himself is curled into Tyler's side, acting so _soft_ and _malleable_ and _submissive_ that it somehow boosts his ego.

Josh mouths at his neck, leaving a few hickeys in his wake, as he rubs Tyler through his jeans. It's when Tyler reaches down to unbutton his jeans that Josh scoots up a bit, and presses his mouth against Tyler's, so they can kiss.

It takes them an hour of kissing and feeling each other up, and fingers pressed into various orifices before Tyler's on his back, with Josh between his legs, finally nudging the head of his condom and lube covered cock inside of Tyler.

Josh isn't _huge_ by any means, and once he's bottomed out, and while he's waiting for Tyler to give him the go ahead to start moving, Tyler mumbles, "It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would."

"Does it hurt at all?" Josh is worried, running his hands up and down Tyler's sides.

Tyler shakes his head. "Not really...? It's... it's a tight fit, but it doesn't hurt at all. You can, um, start moving. Just... be gentle with me."

It takes a bit for Josh to find a position to where he can comfortably thrust in and out of his boyfriend, and Tyler winds up having to place one of Josh's pillows below his hips before he's able to find a position to where he's comfortable, and it feels _good._

All in all, it's a good experience. Tyler falls asleep with his face crammed into Josh's chest for a few hours afterwards, before either of them are waking up, wanting something to eat.

*

Things happen in threes, Tyler learns.

Three good things happen. He turns eighteen, starts testosterone a few weeks later, and finally moves into a small apartment of his own.

Then three bad things happen. Josh's parents find out he's bi, and aren't particularly pleased, but decide that the final straw is the fact that he's dating a _tranny,_ so they kick him out _._ Brendon and Dallon break up, and although Tyler knows he shouldn't be too upset about this, he's pretty fucking pissed at Brendon for cheating on him in the first place. Then, last and absolutely the least important, his mom finds out he's trans. He's hardly spoken to her in five years, but her finding out that fact is just icing on top of the shit cake.

*

Tyler's working on getting his phone and his laptop connected to his wi-fi, feeling like an adult, when there's a gentle knocking on the door. The knocking is so quiet, that Tyler already knows it's Josh. He never knocks too hard.

He still has his pocket knife open and ready to be used as he opens his door, though, because admittedly, this isn't the safest neighborhood. He opens the door to Josh's face. His cheeks are red and splotchy and irritated and he opens his mouth to say something, before bursting into tears instead.

Naturally, Tyler is fucking concerned.

He tugs his boyfriend inside, and closes and locks the door behind him, closing his pocket knife, and setting it onto a box near the door. (He's still unpacking.)

Josh is fucking distraught. He's crying and hyperventilating and Tyler winds up standing in his kitchen, holding his face in his hands, saying, "C'mon baby boy, breathe with me."

While Tyler's talking Josh down and getting him to breathe, and even coaxing him into drinking from a glass of water, he thinks about the last time he himself cried like that. He's pretty sure he was on the floor in Brendon's bathroom having an anxiety attack. He shakes the thoughts out of his head, though, because Josh is in the process of getting onto the floor in the kitchen, lying with his cheek pressed into the linoleum.

It's something he does. Tyler remembers him saying something about how the cold of the linoleum in kitchens soothes him. Tyler winds up on the floor next to him, lying with half of his body on top of him, shushing him and pressing kisses to the back of his neck.

Tyler eventually asks, "What happened, Josh?"

The silence leading up to Josh saying, "My parents kicked me out," is deafening. "They gave me an hour, told me to pack my shit."

Tyler frowns, and sits up, and grabs onto Josh's sleeve, rolling him onto his own back so they can make eye contact. "Why the hell did they kick you out? I thought they were fine with you being bi."

Josh's chin starts wobbling again and he shakes his head.

"Tell me. _Why?"_

"My fucking _bitch_ sister told them that you're trans, and they lost their shit."

Tyler frowns. Josh's parents are assholes, but he really wasn't expecting this.

"Don't blame yourself," He mumbles. He reaches up and touches Tyler's cheek. "Jordan's gonna let me in tomorrow so I can get more of my shit, but I just--I don't know what to do." His chin starts wobbling again, and Tyler winds up bending down to kiss him on his cheekbone.

"Just stay here. You were gonna move in anyways when you got a better job, and I don't have enough shit to fill a two bedroom apartment. Things are just happening out of order, and it's fine."

*

Tyler's in Brendon's house a few weeks after Josh getting kicked out, to pick up a set of old dishes that Brendon's mom wants to give him, picking bites off of a glazed donut and procrastinating leaving (not that he's unwelcome--he just has shit he has to do) when he hears two sets of footsteps stomping up the stairs and Brendon shouting, "Dallon, for fuck's sake--will you _listen_ to me?"

Tyler looks over to the stairs, eyebrows raised a little bit. Dallon whirls around once he's at the top of the stairs, and Tyler has _never_ heard him raise his voice above speaking volume, until now, which is when he bellows out, "You _cheated_ on me, and you want _me_ to listen to _you?! Fuck off!_ God, I could just fucking _punch_ you right now. Get _out_ of my face."

Brendon gives up after that, mostly because he makes eye contact with Tyler, who just glares at him. Once he's back downstairs, Dallon turns around, and stalks into the kitchen. He grabs a bag of chips and a mug off the counter, saying, "Taking my fucking chips and cup back," before asking, "Can you take me home, or something? I don't want to fucking be here."

*

"How'd you even find out he was fucking around on you?" Tyler asks as he's letting himself and Dallon into his apartment. (Josh is at work.)

"I was waiting for him to get done showering, because we were going to go out for dinner to celebrate our two year anniversary, when I see a text from _Spencer_ pop up on his phone." He falls over as he's trying to sit down so he can take his shoes off, and doesn't acknowledge it. "Spencer said, _'I miss you,'_ which is fine, whatever--Brendon's affectionate with his friends and I'm okay with it. Or was. Then another text pops up. _'I'm going through dickdrawals. Or, assdrawals.'_ With a winky emoji. Of fucking course, that piques my fucking _interest,_ so I open his phone, and I'm--I'm against reading other peoples' texts, because it's an invasion of privacy, but _apparently_ he's been fucking Spencer for like four months now, and _god,_ I want to fucking _kill him."_

"Chop his dick off," Tyler mutters with a grunt as he helps Dallon off of the floor when the twenty two year old makes grabby hands at him.

"I want to, trust me. Do you know how _gross_ I feel, knowing I let him into my life for so long, and trusted him so much, trusted him enough to fucking let him _fuck_ me, and to have every part of myself that I gave him, only for _this_ to happen? It's heartbreaking."

*

Tyler's in a grocery store with Josh (and Dallon, who's been hanging out with them since his split from Brendon) getting snacks and drinks before _Pride,_ because Pride always takes place in the summer, and Tyler's an avid believer in being hydrated and fed.

He's looking at a small smoothie bottle, and Josh is in the middle of telling him to quit looking at the calories on it when he feels a tapping on his shoulder. He turns around, half expecting it to be Dallon, since he's a shoulder tapper, but instead, he's met with blue eyes and a sour face, and, _oh._

He's not scared. He's in the middle of a grocery store, with his muscular boyfriend who would fight to the death for him, and Dallon, whose stature alone makes him a little intimidating, even if he's super sweet. The point is that she can't _do_ anything about the trans and pan pride flags Tyler's painted across his cheeks, or the trans flag he's wearing as a cape.

Tyler hardly recognizes her, but the way she says his dead name gives it away.

Tyler just shakes his head and quietly says, "No, my name is Tyler."

What unfolds next is a scene out of every shitty story about a gay kid coming out to unaccepting parents. She yells at him, Josh yells back when Tyler starts tearing up, and Dallon's nice enough to put himself between her and Tyler when she reaches for him.

Despite _that_ little snafu at the grocery store, the rest of their day goes great, and Tyler winds up just being a little pissed off by the whole ordeal rather than upset.

*

The idea of adding a third person to their relationship is an idea that's come up a handful of times. Josh has met a few guys, and a few girls, too, that he's liked enough to bring the idea up to Tyler, but it's never worked out, or things have gotten weird, or the other person wasn't okay with it, which is fine, because not everything is meant to be.

Tyler's about two and a half years into a three year apprenticeship required to become a tattoo artist, or to at least get a license to _do it_ when this _girl_ walks in. He's never had too much of an interest in girls before, despite being attracted to them and all of that, but this girl is something else, and Tyler hates to come off as a dumb ass, but he pretty much _scrambles_ as soon as he sees her, asking her if there's anything he can help her with in the most courteous tone he can manage.

She smiles sweetly and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, before opening up a piece of printer paper pulled from her pocket, one with the line art of a sunflower printed onto it. She explains that her mom died recently, and that her favorite flower was a sunflower, and that she wanted to get a tattoo to remember her by.

It's so sweet that Tyler wants to _weep._

Tyler gives her the tattoo, and it takes everything in him not to start yelling from excitement when she leaves him her phone number written out onto a sticky note with a, _"Text me :)"_ written below it.

**Author's Note:**

> [follow me on tumblr if u want](http://creion.tumblr.com/)


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